Kids Sitting Around Doing Nothing?

Then why not rent them out. Yes, YOU TOO can turn that lazy good for nothing child into bankable dollars. Sound too good to be true? Sound like something from a satirical movie? Well the answer to both those questions is NO IT'S NOT!

Say hello to the revolutionary website: Rent My Daughter!

Don't have a daughter? Well fear not, maybe you should try out Rent My Son!

Yes, you too can now capatilise on the little terror who has brought you so much pain. You brought them into the world, why not get something back? You deserve it!

We're here to help you exploit your childrens potential.

Just think, you could make people like Brian Mitchell happy:

I had a compamy picnic and was trying to impress a female coworker. I said I was watching my sister's kid and really poured on the sensitivity. Let's just say that last month we got engaged!

That's right folks, with us you can help seedy assholes like Brian trick their co-workers into marrying them.

Just remember... we're here to make the world a better place!!!

Is it a train, a plane? No, it's the guy from the back of the queue!

This is to be the first in a recurring series subtitled "Why Germany Drives Me F*#king Nuts!"

Now don't get me wrong, I like Germany, I wouldn't be living here if there wasn't something to keep me here. Of course, the ladies out there will be distraught to hear the main reason I am here is because of my girlfriend who has recently become my fiancée (apparently I'm the "fiancé" - different spellings, you learn something new every day!) But Germany has much more to offer primarily in the form of billions of litres of tasty tasty beer.

But I digest (bonus points for the person who can pinpoint that quote.) Back to this entries raison d'etre.

Queuing. Yes, you heard me right, queuing is THAT annoying in Germany that it deserves a blog entry. You've got to experience it to believe it.

It usually starts with queues that wrap around the whole store because there is only one till open (there is no German word for "service" folks!) Eventually a second till opens after customers get to the point of setting up temporary homes. And then the fabled call will ring out... another till has opened, and the rush starts.

All notions of human civilisation are abandoned as simply as you or I would exhale a lungful of carbon dioxide. Carl Lewis would be hard pressed to keep up with some of the cases I've seen.

I've been pushed and shoved more times than I can count by some moron trying as hard as he can to beat an 80 year old to the top of the new queue. Although more often that not the 80 year olds are first off the mark.

Last week I even had the privilege of witnessing a 20 something guy berating one of said old people. She had the audacity to move across in front of him even though she had been well ahead of him in the original queue. He started screaming in her face as if she was in the process of murdering his first-born.

Now, you may think I am making a mountain of a molehill but if you were living with this shit every time you went to the store you'd start getting mighty annoyed by it too.

And it's not just limited to the great-rush either. I was in C&A last week buying some t-shirts. There was one queue that split at the end for two tills. People kept just walking straight by the queue to the second till as if all of us in the first queue had simply lost our minds or just found the 45 year old woman working at the first till suddenly overpoweringly attractive.

To make it even worse/funnier they kept giving sneaky looks to the main queue to see if anyone was about to react. And that's what really killed me, nobody said a word. There were a few grumbles but nobody spoke up... you know, just in case it turned out to be Osama with a few kilos of C4 wrapped around him.

Of course it's not really the queuing that gets me, it the stupidity and lack of common courtesy of the twits who start pushing and shoving and running (and I can't stress that word "running" enough.)

You're probably asking yourself why I don't say something myself. Every so often I do, but it's hard to speak up in a language you are still in the process of learning, and anger doesn't usually lend itself to coherent speech even in your first language.

Still there is the beer, keep that in mind Ed, there is the beer!

The Great Train Dodge

Reports today about a kid in England put on referral for forcing a train to apply its emergency brakes by playing chicken with the train which was travelling at 100mph.

I have to admit having a similar encounter with a train myself as a kid. Although in my case we were mitching off school near the train tracks. We heard the train coming and started climbing up out of harms way but the root I was using to pull myself up broke and I started sliding down the embankment just as the train was coming. One of the guys I was with managed to grab me at the last second... and that my friends is the closest I have ever come to death.

But that is nothing compared with this moron... train dodge!

Get an iBook, Get a Life

Doesn't Capitalism just rock?

White Man Can't... Rap

I've been watching a lot of Chappelle's Show lately. It would be very easy to dismiss the show offhand as vulgar comedy which sometimes it may seem like but underneath lies some very nuanced and irreverent cultural comedy which lambastes society in that most noble of ways: satire.

I like it particularly because he doesn't hold back in making fun of everyone, including black America... and especially those purveyors of the most fine examples of black culture.

Every so often he also has some real guest stars on to perform. I had been under the impression that the Doggs of this world were considered the pinnacle of the rap scene. Of course I am pinning that assumption on my knowledge based on MTV but I have enjoyed Chappelle's show for both its biting satire as well as introducing me to some very good music. My own personal favourite so far being Mos Def.

Anyway, while I was watching it last night and it struck me that it was great to be shown an intelligent side of black America. From the above guest performers, whose music actually has something to say about the community from where it comes as opposed to how many diamonds are encrusted on ones favourite butt-plug, to Chappelle's own humour which challenges pretty much all the stereotypes you can think of.

So I kept going with the thought, and I realised how sad it was that I would even have to think that. But it's the truth. Pretty much all depiction of black culture that makes it over the Atlantic is of the "gangsta" variety. Now, before people start shouting of course I don't mean EVERYTHING but I think it's fair to say the prevailing exported image is of the moron Snoop Dogg type.

All this "deep" thought brought me back to a very bad memory. You know the type, where just the memory of it is enough to have you glowing like a beetroot.

It was when we were travelling on our big trip from Alaska to Panama. We were out with a few other hostellers in a bar having a great time when we got talking to a group of Canadians who were playing some stupid game involving rapping. Egged on by my drunkenness and one of the guys with me I actually tried to rap. I actually tried, I'm in pain even typing it.

To put this into perspective you must realise that I am the anti-thesis of black. I'm Irish you see, so my skin resembles a hue not unlike the sun at 12 shining directly in your eyes. And reinforcing that age old stereotype, I just can't dance for the life of me. If there were a Black Dictionary if you looked up "white" there would be a picture of me arms flailing around as if I was being attacked by a giant octopus. So for me to try and rap, well you can't imagine the horror.

But alas, it seems as if Dave has given up the show according to his collaborator Charlie Murphy (Eddie's big brother.) After he abruptly left for Africa in the middle of making season 3, rumours of mental-health issues arose but were dispelled when he allowed an interview with Time. Recent reports of his return led to hope that season 3 would see the light of day, but Charlie seems to have put another nail in the coffin of the show, here's hoping that there is still a little light left!

In the end though, all things considered, at least I learned the meaning of skeet!!

The Powerbook Prank

Now these guys deserve some kind of large reward.

They were selling a Powerbook on eBay and were contacted by someone who was obviously a scammer. Instead of just telling him to fuck off they played along and in the end... well, you can read it for yourself. I've linked straight to page 3 which has a summary of the whole thing and the ending:
The Powerbook Prank: He wanted a Powerbook. We gave him a P-P-P-Powerbook!

Be sure to check out the detailed pictures of his Powerbook at the bottom of page 1.

Modern heros!!

Liberality For All

Drum roll please....

It is 2021, tomorrow is the 20th anniversary of 9/11. America is under oppression by ultra-liberal extremists which have yielded governing authority to the United Nations. It is up to an underground conservative group (known as F.O.I.L.) led by Sean Hannity, G. Gordon Liddy and Oliver North to thwart Ambassador Usama Bin Laden’s plans to nuke New York City.

Enter the latest comic book sensation Liberality For All!

Don't miss these extra chocolatey bits:

• The alternative (must reach that demographic) PATRIOT kid being taken away by the cops on the cover.
• Osama giving a speech to the U.N. and apologising for the "misunderstanding" of 9/11 and thanking... wait for it... wait for it... U.N. Secretary General Jacques Chirac, President Chelsea Clinton and (this is almost too good to be true) Vice President Michael Moore.

Never misunderestimate the imagination of a 5 year old!!

It's time to own up; I actually really love right wing people. They are so sincere in their belief that there is some big conspiracy against them that they continuously pump out the likes of this so that I can roll around on the ground laughing at them. It's very considerate of them when you think about it.

If these people didn't exist I wouldn't have Drop Dead Gorgeous. The horror!

Speaking of movies, has anyone out there been to see The Descent? It's excellent, so much so that the more I think about it, the more I think it is up there as one of my favourite movies. It is just so well done.

I wasn't that tense watching a movie since seeing Alien for the first time as a kid. Recommended viewing, just bring a change of underwear.

Go Back to Sleep America, Your Government Has Everything Under Control

How about this? An 11 year old Californian girl was charged with a felony for throwing a rock at another kid who was harassing her with waterbaloons.

Charged with a felony! A FEL-ON-Y. Next they'll have the kids up on sexual harassment charges. "Um yes M'am, we found your son playing doctors and nurses with Jenny from next door."

I almost said to myself "only in America" but I remembered another story we all say that to. The multi-million dollar lawsuit over the hot cup of McDonalds' coffee. The mother of all lawsuit stories. Yes, I can picture you all now shaking your heads in abject disgust.

Well the other day I was just surfing the net in a haze. You know the way, clicking on the bright shiny links until before you know it you look up and there are people in front of you having sex in ways you've never even dreamed about.

I had no such luck. Instead I ended up reading about 79 year old Stella Lieback, the woman from that infamous story who, it turns out, actually had a pretty decent case against McDonalds. You can read about it here. (click on the pic to see the message that resulted from the lawsuit)

After reading that I have to say, I would have sued them too. Third degree burns, and $20,000 medical bills for skin grafts. She even approached them to cover the bills and they offered her $800!!

Granted, the end sum of $2.7m (reduced to $400,000 on appeal) is ridiculous but if you received third degree burns I'm pretty sure you would want your medical bills covered. There you go, not quite the all prevailing compensation culture the liberal media would lead us to believe... or is it the right wing media, I always get them mixed up.

Although, then of course there is the case of the Hot Pickle. So we can probably just put it down to a case of mistaken identity.

So back to this girl charged with a felony. My first thoughts were "little shit, I hope she hit him so hard it hurt for days", followed quickly by "I probably should have been hung, drawn and quartered for my crimes as a kid!" I played doctors and nurses way too much.

Yeah but anyway, 11 year old up on felony charges for basically being a kid.

Only in America!

Links for today:
* Thongs are out (thank the care-bears!)
* Didn't I alread pay for this movie?
* Humanity is dead!

Slap Me Happy, I'm Famous!

Who would have believed it, I'm famous. My mommy must be so proud, I've made it into The Guardian!

So what's new in the world today? Well, a lot of people fell out of the sky and survived. Hooray for them. But much more importantly, my homeland has officially joined the ranks of civilised nations with the reports of Ireland's first Happy Slapping incident.

For those of you uninitiated in this joyous pastime, Happy Slapping involves (usually) hooded youngsters slapping strangers in the face/head/anywhere while recording it on their mobile phone then running away knuckles dragging in the dirt to show all their friends how four-by-four-across-the-back-of-someones-head funny they are.

The Irish incident involved the slightly more artistic version where a group of people spice it up by kicking the victim in the head and other such hilarious add-ons.

What can you do about it? Answers on a postcard to "Chavs, Kill 'em All?, Lübeck, Germany."

It's ALLLLIIIIIIIVVVVVVVEEEEEE!

After much heaving and sighing and epiduraling a blog was born...